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WORDS OF WISDOM

The next time the shit hits the fan, remembering some of these eternal words of wisdom will help you tolerate the stench a little better.
1) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2) You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3) There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4) Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5) Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6) Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7) The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9) Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10) Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11) Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12) Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13) Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14) I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15) Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16) All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17) If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
18) One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday.
19) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21) The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There are days when you reach beyond what you can bear and snap at work.

Instead of saying something completely mundane and unimpactful,

here are a few good suggestions of what you can say under those circumstances.

If you are gonna crack, might as well make it a good one right?

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.

10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.